Not that easy

Way back when my husband and I were just dating we talked about having kids. Obviously not at that moment but in the future. It's important to know you are both on the same page even in the beginning. Or that's what I believe.
He's two years younger than me. Yes I've heard all the robbing the cradle jokes.
I met him my junior year of college and when he was just starting his freshman year. I love our meet cute. We met through a friend. She invited me to come to lunch with her to be a buffer while she had lunch with this guy. She met him over the summer at a day camp they worked at together. She thought he had a crush on her. Which he kind of did. But mostly he just wanted to connect with some people that he knew. I went in curious to see who this fellow was that she had mentioned to me several times over the summer. My first impression was he was a nice guy and very funny. We joked around the whole lunch. Suddenly I realized this was someone I wanted to get to know whether she did or not. A romance bloomed from there. First for him and eventually for me. I kept telling him to enjoy his freshman year. That he sagaint get tied down to a girlfriend so early on. But he didn't care about that. Over fall break in October he went home for the long weekend. While he was there he went to Build a Bear and made me a teddy bear that was dressed like him. Hawaiian shirt and cargo shorts. I never made a Build a Bear. So when he described to me the silly hoops he had to jump through to make it I was in awe. No guy had ever gone to that much trouble for me. Certainly not someone I wasn't even dating. He had my heart then...

Our first date

But it wasn't always easy for us. Anyone that has been in love knows you have to work at it.
Since I graduated two years before him, we had to endure a long distance relationship. It was definitely a hard time for both of us. But neither of us were willing to give up.

Eventually we made it to the other side. Then we went to moving in together to being married in a matter of months. 

First kiss as a married couple

Then the waiting began again. Even though I don't like change as I have previously stated. I am always focused on the future. To a fault. Sometimes I miss out on the present because I can't wait for the next adventure to begin. 

That's exactly how it was when it came to becoming a mother. As soon as we were married I was ready to try.

The more practical half of myself (my husband) wanted to wait. The biggest thing that he wanted to make him feel ready was owning our own home. 

Well that took about four years of marriage and moving three times to three different states to make that happen. So of course the month we moved in I brought up the subject once more. He brought out his practical nature again and encouraged me to be patient until we were a little more settled. 

Our first home

By our anniversary I was chomping at the bit to get started. I had a feeling it wouldn't be so easy to just "get pregnant". This time I was right...

There is no other way to describe the next two years other than a struggle. I won't go into too many details because though I'm an open book my husband is actually quite a private man. 

We tried and tried. 

Every month that I would be late a day or two my heart would be in my throat the whole time. Until my period would show up or that dreaded minus sign would appear on the test. 

Anyone that has dealt with infertility knows how heart breaking this is. Its not like your period isn't bad enough but when you're trying to get pregnant is a double whammy. 

A lot of months I dealt with disappointment on my own. I didn't want to get my husband's hopes up for no reason. But I couldn't help it getting my hopes up. I knew I was days late. I knew that could mean the greatest joy. I also knew my husband's hesitation to get the process started. I suppose that I was nervous he might actually be relived when the test showed negative. That would be even more heart wrenching. 

So after a few months of disappointment I finally told him that I was very depressed that yet again I wasn't pregnant. He looked at me and very sincerely said "Damn that sucks. I thought it would have happened by now." Suddenly I wasn't alone in my sadness. 

Eventually even his support wasn't enough. I confided in several friends that we were struggling. Because of my husband's private nature it was a taboo subject with our families. 

I went in for my gynecology appointment in the spring and completely unloaded all my fears and frustrations on the nurse practitioner. I was definitely "that patient" that put them behind that day...

She completely understood and had gone through her own fertility issues. She recommended an fertility specialist and said at the end of our conversation, "Don't worry one way or another we will make you a mother."

It was a disappointing to think we wouldn't be able to do this natural thing on our own... But good to be reminded that it didn't matter how it happened the end result was the important part.

My husband and I went through several fertility tests.

Mine were quite invasive. Especially compared to his... Think that episode of Friends with Monica and Chandler get their fertility tests done. If you haven't seen it YouTube it seriously.

The results were basically that there weren't any major issues that we could keep trying to do start medical intervention...

IUI, InVitro, Adoption... So much money, so much stress.

We waited months. Continuing to try on our own. 

Armed with the knowledge that I wasn't horribly disfigured on the inside. I did relax a bit.

Although over Christmas I finally told my husband that I needed my mommy. Well I needed to be able to talk to her about my struggles. I wanted her advice, her kind words and her support. He agreed and understood. I very awkwardly broke down while I was at their house and unloaded on her too. That helped too. 

Once we entered into 2015 I told my husband this was the last year of trying. We were going to make something happen!

My grandmother passed away in January and by Fat Tuesday my Cajun relatives were really on my mind. So I decided to host my ladies church group at my house for our once a month Tuesday night meeting which just happened to be on Fat Tuesday in 2015. I was really looking forward to cooking some gumbo and drinking hurricanes, decorating with Mardi Gras beads and other knick knacks my granny had sent my mom.

Beads are important

It was no big deal at this point to be a few days late on my period. Almost two and half years in I almost didn't notice anymore. I did mention to a girlfriend before the weekend that I was late. She got so excited. But I wasn't. I couldn't stand seeing that negative line on that stupid stick. It mocked me... So I put off the test. By Tuesday morning I shrugged and peed on the stick. Hey if I was going to down some drinks that night I should probably make sure I was actually not pregnant. Although I had already went to town on some mimosas that weekend for Valentine's Day... 

I impatiently waited the two minutes going about my morning routine. Eventually I checked it and stare blankly. A plus? Wait one of the lines is kind of faint and the other is dark. That's probably wrong right? I checked the box. The dark line is the one that indicates the positive side. I was confused... I almost didn't realize what this test that had elicited such feelings of failure was trying to tell me.

Yeah I took a picture

I blankly walked out to the living room carrying the stick and held it out to my husband and said "I didn't think it was going to say this..." He kind of furrowed his brow and raised an eyebrow. "Well what does it say?" "It says I'm pregnant!?" He just sat there. "Well can I get a hug at least?" He jumped up and hugged me. We said our goodbyes to head to work. I worked half a day so that I could prepare for my get together. 

My mind was NOT on the party that I was so looking forward to. I hope my friends had fun because I felt like a blank slate that night.

Its an interesting story to tell now. But during the journey it was hard and stressful to say the least. Every questioning person asking "when are you going to have kids?" Snide remark like "don't wait too long." All had their effect. 

If nothing else it has made me a more compassionate and understanding person. You just don't know what someone else is going through. 

This post is mostly another set up. Setting you up to understand who I am and where I'm coming from. I hope it was interesting in some way. If you are struggling with fertility issues remember that you are not alone. Many people struggle in silence. What I have learned is to find people to lean on. You don't need to announce it on Facebook. But find a few close friends or family members. You would be surprised who has been down this road. 

Also don't wait till you are at a breaking point to get help from a medical professional. Even if they don't have a definite cause for your infertility you can rule out some possible stresses and get advice.

Good luck to everyone on the journey to become parents.